I’ve been
watching Millionaire Matchmaker. It is a terrible, trash TV programme in which
matchmaker extraordinaire Patti Stanger sets up millionaires with dates. She’s
good, you’ve got to hand it to her. She’s genuinely awful to a lot of the
people (millionaires included!), but somehow what she says is gold. So one of
her tricks is the “five non-negotiables”; you have to pick five things that you
want to find in a partner and if you meet someone who doesn’t fulfil your
non-negotiables, then you need to say goodbye. I’ve decided that I need to come
up with my own.
I am
perpetually single. I may sound like I’m being melodramatic at the age of 23
but my last serious relationship ended two and a half years ago and I am yet to
find anybody that I am remotely interested in. My first problem is that I’m a
mature student. I walk into the club on student night and think, “oh my god,
everybody is 12”. They’re not obviously because that would be illegal, but
they’re 18 or 19 and that makes them around 5 years my junior. It is not a
pleasant thought. I kissed an 18 year old on a night out a few months ago and
afterwards I immediately felt like I should be arrested for molestation. This
leads me to non-negotiable number 1: must be age appropriate.
I’m bossy.
I’m not being self-deprecating I’ve just always been bossy. My little brother
used to say it; at the age of 21, he still does. My ex-boyfriend used to say
it, and we’re no longer together so obviously that was an issue. My old boss
even picked up on it once in a review; I told her that if people did what they
were supposed to then I wouldn’t have to tell them to. My point is that I know
what I want and I’m not very flexible with it. This is perhaps a personal flaw
that I should attempt to reign in but I’m never going to be a doormat. With
this in mind, non-negotiable number 2 is that I need somebody who is laid back
enough not to mind that I am a strong, opinionated, BOSSY woman, but that has
enough backbone to tell me when I’m being ridiculous.
At 5 feet and
7 inches tall, I’m hardly an Amazonian woman but seeing as the average woman is
5’4”, I am on the taller side. Most men do not want to be towered over by their
girlfriend, and I do not want to lean down to kiss my hypothetical boyfriend
either. When I put a pair of high heels on, I’m pushing 6 feet and with the
average man being 5’10”, I might as well be gargantuan, but I have no desire to
give up my heels. A tall guy can make me feel small, feminine, and safe, and so
it may seem silly but being 5’11” and over is not negotiable.
My friends
are oh so important to me. The person who said that “friends are the family you
choose” could not have been more right. I am not naïve enough to think that it
is possible for everybody to get along; I myself have friends that I love more
that life itself but who I still manage to have the occasional homicidal
thought about. That’s life. I do however believe that patience and kindness can
go a long way when you’re trying to get on with others. Non-negotiable number 3
means that I need somebody who is patient and kind enough to make the effort to
get along with my friends, and who is happy for me to spend time with them.
Untidy is
not even the word to describe the way that I am. I think if you saw my
floordrobe, you’d be forgiven for thinking a small tornado had whipped its way
through my bedroom. I have far too many clothes, shoes, beauty products,
accessories… But that will not change. I’m a fashion student and these are the
things that make me happy. While boys are out spending money on computer games,
cars and watches, My happiness lies in the cardigan from River Island that cost
£55 but has cost less per wear than the £12 shirt I bought in Primark, and the
high heels that are beautiful but still manage not to hurt my feet. Non-negotiable
number 5: happy to put up with my spending habits and the mess that ensues
because of it.
So there you
have it, my five non-negotiables. All I need to do now is find a man that is
all of them. Shouldn’t be too hard right?!
Disclaimer:
Patti also asks who your celebrity crush is. If Ryan Goslings twin is out
there-the non-negotiables are going out of the window.
